The male douchebag has existed and been detested since time immemorial. There were probably Carthaginians ripping on ancient Roman douchebags for wearing goofy wreaths on their heads and manscaping their nipple hair. “Look at Caesar over there with his dumbass plant hat and smooth man cleavage. I hate that douchebag.”
Present day male douchebags come in all shapes and sizes, but whether it’s the TAPOUT t-shirt wearing meathead, the gel-haired guido with a tanning addiction, or the uncomfortably preppy frat bro, we love to loathe them all. However, a previously well-hidden douchebag that has flown under the radar and remained relatively historically insignificant has recently been thrust into the spotlight via social media. I’m talking about the female douchebag.
Instagram changed the game forever and made it incredibly easy to identify the fem-douche. This is where she posts all manner of inappropriate pictures that she would never share on Facebook or any other form of social media where the normal rules of society still apply. The she-douche is really into herself. Way more into herself than the normal self-obsessed human. She lives for a good gym mirror selfie after an intense ab workout. She doesn’t even care that there are other people in the gym watching her snap pictures of her toned stomach and firm glutes at flattering angles via mirror, and she makes sure to include a geotag of Gold’s Gym so every creepy Instagram follower knows where to find her if they feel like transitioning from social media stalking to real life stalking. Underneath this selfie is usually a bevy of illuminating hashtags: #progress #thinspiration #girlswithabs #strongisthenewsexy #iamthenewsexy #iwouldfuckme #wouldyoufuckme #tellmeimpretty #lookatmybodyihatemydad. With every double-tap, she gets just a little bit wetter, and thinks she has a little more in common with Kim Kardashian or a Victoria’s Secret Model.
The female douchebag, much like the male douchebag, waved bye-bye to shame and remorse long ago. She uses fitness as a thin veil to disguise her generally skanky behavior. Her Instagram account exists solely to broadcast the message that she is hot, and she is only getting hotter by doing squats on the reg. She’s not photographing the perfect sunset, capturing her plate of food in just the right light, or taking pictures of her dog being silly and cute like normal miserable people; she’s just making sure to include at least a few inches of cleavage in that selfie of her holding a martini. She is savvy. She knows her following of 2,762 creepers, comprised mostly of complete strangers and sexual predators, doesn’t really care that she’s enjoying an alcoholic beverage with her friends, but they do care about her funbags. She knows they don’t really care that her city is enjoying perfect summer weather, but they do want to see a neck-down POV shot of her laying out at the pool. She thrives on attention driven by sexuality. Without it, she would die, and the lady d-bag does not wish to die; she wishes to live a long life where as many men as possible have imagined her completely naked, because she’s bombing their feeds with pictures of her almost completely naked.
This girl is the reason you can’t open Instagram in church. Your normal friends post lovely pictures with interesting filters that keep you in the loop on their respectable daily activities, but not the female douchebag. One second you’re saying The Lord’s Prayer, and the next you’re staring at a photo of her twerking upside down at the bar in a skintight dress with her ass hanging out. It’s okay though, because she hashtagged #workhardplayhard. Have fun explaining that one to Saint Peter, you perverted son of a bitch.
She makes it infinitely more difficult to explain what Instagram is to your grandma, because you’re afraid to let granny scroll through your feed when there’s a solid chance the fem-douche you follow has recently uploaded a photo of herself doing downward-facing dog in nothing but boy shorts and a sports bra.
“Who’s this young lady bending over in her undergarments, honey?”
“Oh God! Grandma no! Look away!”
I should make it clear that I’m obviously all for yoga, working out at the gym, and anything else that betters your odds at a long and healthy life and makes you look awesome naked. However, if the only reason you’re doing healthy activities is so that you can bless the world with your body in the form of a scantily clad Instagram post, maybe you need to get your priorities straight. The male douchebag has been ripped apart incessantly for being an annoying, attention-seeking, pathetically lame waste of human flesh, so why not his female counterpart? It’s time we acknowledge that she is alive and well, and now easily identifiable via her hilariously self-serving Instagram account.
You might be asking, “Why don’t you just unfollow her?” Well yeah, but then I’d miss out on all those super hot pics.
We men are just a bunch of thirsty pervs. If you give us something to ogle, we will ogle, and we will double-tap, and we will reinforce the obviously unhealthy behavior that this column intends to make light of, because we are horny morons. I guarantee at least a few dudes reading this thought, “Holy shit I need to download Instagram!” And as we speak, they are being sucked down the rabbit hole of #fitspo pics, never to emerge.
#lookatmybodyihatemydad = #besthashtagever
#godimlonely
#nothingtastesasgoodasskinnyfeels
#actuallypizzatastesprettygood
First off, I don’t disagree, ladies certainly have equal opportunities to be obnoxious douchebags, but at the and of this article you pretty much say (even though you use the phrase ‘make light’) that it’s a woman’s fault if a man behaves creepy/pervy. Come on, slut shaming and passing blame is SO last generation. And there are a lot of men who aren’t ‘horny morons’. You said it yourself that it’s ‘obviously unhealthy behavior’. Maybe if we didn’t propagate that mindset, even for humor’s sake, it wouldn’t be such a rampant issue?
That last couple paragraphs was me admitting that many guys totally feed the fire. Blame lies with both sexes, but that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous or hilarious an epidemic.
Guys totally feed that fire. For every 1 attention whore, you have 5 guys willing to give her what she wants. I see it on social media, and I see it at the bars. It sickens me.
You just gotta laugh to keep from crying, buddy. Laugh to keep from crying.
Solution: If you go to said bar, wear a onesie. Onesies only in bars. Onesies, paper bag, draw on a mustache, hose yourself down (but don’t wear white). Wear neon sign that says “for the love of God just talk to me about things that matter.” But, you know, keep it cute. Because that douchebag in the corner (I hate the term douchebag. Pussy juice is sweet and fantastic, so why the insult I don’t get it. I guess maybe because douching can cause pregnancy complications, so the douche itself is the problem. I will choose that reality) could just be your future husband.
lmao…
Like the guy in the original comment says I don’t have a problem with recognizing that there are female douchebags, so I don’t have a problem with most of the article. However you’re closing paragraph falls way short of you admitting guys feed the fire. You made it sound like the women you talk about in the article act this way as a choice, but that guys do it because they can’t help themselves. And i’m so sick of that cop-out.
So…pics?
Not in “5 Reasons…” or “8 Signs That…” form. Does not compute.
Taking this as a compliment.
I wouldn’t. Pretty sure he’s making fun of your colleague Mr. Nullet’s preferred style of writing.
I should download Instagram…
Glad a guy FINALLY decided to write a post about this…I’m definitely guilty of following these girls too, but women rarely speak up about this otherwise we look like ‘haters’.. Thank you for making my Tuesday! “It’s okay though, because she hashtagged #workhardplayhard. Have fun explaining that one to Saint Peter, you perverted son of a bitch.” Dying over this!
“Her Instagram account exists solely to broadcast the message that she is hot, and she is only getting hotter by doing squats on the reg.”
Simple, pure, nailed it.
Brilliant! Be proud of this one, bro. Had me rolling.
I seem to recall some weekly recurring article that happens on this dreaded day. God dammit! Do I need to hassle you every week? I need my fix Bolen!
I got two damn questions. When I have enough questions, I do the column. Get off my back, mom.
Haha, very well. I’ll spread the word to all the dysfunctional people I interact with daily. Clearly we need to get these delinquents around here to mail you instead of going to their therapists.
Bolen nails it again. Freakin’ hilarious. I had a similar “Grandma looking over the shoulder issue,” except it was with my boss. He downloaded Instagram five minutes later.
Slut-Shaming is apparently a significant problem amongst women themselves, not just dudes like this guy:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/19/science/a-cold-war-fought-by-women.html?ref=science?src=dayp&_r=1&
Really thought there would be more pics.
THANK YOU
YOU’RE WELCOME
This is that you have so colorfully written of, is part of a greater issue facing out generation. I wonder if you would still bash these types of women if you just looked around what out society is telling young women and girls. I don’t need to tell you that men control most of these media outlets show casing The Kardashians or The Real Housewives. What kinds of women do they offer on TV? Women who act dumber, dresses are cut low (even on ESPN and news networks), and are objectified and dehumanized. Unfortunately you are doing the same here as if these wayward beings have no souls. It is the culture’s fault, if you need more explanation check out the documentary, “MissRepresentation.” Males in our society grow up thinking that these projections of women are real. So if you are attempting to be a journalist/social commentator, I urge you to look at all sides of the issue at hand.
This issue, that you have so colorfully written of, is part of a greater issue facing out generation. I wonder if you would still bash these types of women if you just looked around what out society is telling young women and girls. I don’t need to tell you that men control most of these media outlets show casing The Kardashians or The Real Housewives? What kinds of women do they offer on TV? Women who act dumber, dresses are cut low (even on ESPN and news networks), and are objectified and dehumanized. Unfortunately you are doing the same here in this article, as if these wayward beings have no souls. It is the culture’s fault, if you need more explanation check out the documentary, “MissRepresentation.” Males in our society grow up thinking that these projections of women are real and expected. So if you are attempting to be a journalist/social commentator, I urge you to look at all sides of the issue at hand and please do your research. Although I really hope “Total Frat Move” is not a best-seller, please no. If you wish to expand your knowledge of the issue of our culture, a link to the trailer to the documentary is shown below. Also if being a writer is your goal in if, I may suggest reading more, as your writing seems to need improvement.
Jackson Kratz is a creator of a gender violence prevention and education program entitled Mentors in Violence Prevention, which has been actively marketed to the U.S. military and various sporting organizations.
Katz’s work centers on violence, media, and masculinity, with an added focus on media literacy. He has made several documentaries on the representation of women and men in media.
Here is his script from his documentary “Tough Guise,” that you may want to take a look at
http://www.mediaed.org/assets/products/211/transcript_211.pdf
“MissRepresentation” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gkIiV6konY
“For example, over 85% of the people who commit murder, are men, and the women that do,
often do so as defense against men who are battering them. Ninety percent of people who
commit violent physical assault are men. Ninety-five percent of serious domestic violence is
perpetrated by males, and its been estimated that one in four men will use violence against
a partner in their lifetime. Over 95% of dating violence is committed by men, and very often
it’s young men in their teens. Studies have found that men are responsible for between 85%
and 95% of child sexual abuse whether the victim is female or male. And 99.8% of people in
prison convicted of rape, are men.
What this shows is that an awful lot of boys and men are inflicting an incredible level of pain
and suffering, both on themselves and on others. And we know that much of the violence is
cyclical, that many boys who are abused as children grow up and become perpetrators
themselves. So calling attention to the way that masculinity is connected to these problems
is not anti-male – it’s just being honest about what’s going on in boys’ and men’s lives. And
while women have been at the forefront of change and trying to talk about these issues in
the culture, it’s not just women who will benefit if men’s lives are transformed. In fact, while
men commit a shameful level of violence against women in our society, statistically
speaking, the major victims of men’s violence are other males. There are millions of male
trauma survivors walking around today, men who were bullied as adolescents, or abused
physically or sexually as children. Thousands more men and boys are murdered or
assaulted every year – usually by other men. So, men have a stake in dealing with these
problems, and not just those of us who have been victims, but also those men who are
violent, or who have taken on the tough guise, they do so also at the expense of their
emotional and relational lives.” -Tough Guise, Jackson Kratz
Because we need more slut-shaming in today’s culture. Come on bro.
Not sure I’m on board with discouraging chicks from sending out half naked pictures of themselves.
Couldn’t agree more.
Pics or GTFO
#gnar
Dude, thank you for saying what needed to be said.
It really pisses me off that we continue to demonize women for giving us what we want. She doesn’t post pictures of food because those get 4 likes and pictures of her abs get 2k. Basic market research, basic commodity adaptation. And don’t even try to say her body shouldn’t be a product, because that is not how the world WE MAKE works.
In my own experience, years of trying to be taken seriously as an artist, writer, self created beacon and just human being resulted in nothing…less than nothing. Accepting the way of things and returning to a position of sexual object made interest/involvement/support jump astronomically. Yeah, these women didn’t take the hard road and develop personality/skills, but so what? They’re getting what they want, as are their viewers. They aren’t wasting time fighting upstream, and more power to them. As much power as they can possibly squeeze out of the patriarchy for as long as their bodies last. Stop hating on them just because you never had a physical golden ticket, or because you think a woman comfortable with sexuality is slutty. It makes YOU look bad, not them.
That’s one way of looking at it.
Wow. hahah
Point of article: people suck, lots of them, no discrimination. But seriously, #tellmeimpretty
Well, it made me smile/laugh. Thanks
I find this article to be extremely problematic and your views to be wrong and disgusting even. You make reference to male “douche bags” in a thinly veiled effort to hide your misogynistic views. Women’s “need” for “double taps” on Instagram, and comments on her beauty, can be attributed to the unrealistic expectations and standards that men hold women to (women have to be stunning but modest, they cant know that they’re stunning because thats threatening to men) which the media, and I’m sure men like you promote. In response to “xsurrealist”s comment you say that his argument “doesn’t make it any less ridiculous or hilarious an epidemic,” suggesting that slut-shaming and the issue of misogyny is something to be laughed about. Check your male privilege, double standards and slut shaming at the door, and enter the 21st century.
By pointing out that some girls use Instagram in a ridiculously inappropriate and hilarious way, and admitting that men pathetically fuel the fire, I’m a misogynist?
It’s a humor website. Laugh a little.
first. that standard of looks? guess what, men are held to it too now. Welcome to the 21st Century indeed… where we are programmed to look and act a certain way.
and the reason this shit is so on point? These girls (and guys) think that by looking and acting the way they do, it makes them better than YOU.
These are also the girls that ask if they look fat in something. Ever hear a fat girl ask if she looked fat in something? Exactly. It’s always skinny girls.
This shit is ALL about attention. And? Power. Both fuel the ego like non-other.
I really didn’t see any slut shaming. I getting sick and tired of this double standard garbage. Yes, white men have clearly caused tons of problems. But guess what? Not all of us. Thats yet again? a stereotype. dun-dun-duh.
I should add, I dated a girl like this. It was somewhat of a nightmare…
also, a spin off of this? The narcissistic yogi selfie. “look at me, I’m so spiritual”, translation: “look at me. I can bend in a zillion ways, have a slamming body, and I am sooooo hot”. Social Media is a fucking WEIRD thing……
oh and ya better goto a Doctor, I think your funny bone is broken.
thanks, I’ll be here all week.
“that standard of looks? Guess what, men are now held to it too.”
Yep. That was the funniest part of this read.
This article is severely flawed, and although ‘slut shaming’ claims seem a little extreme the hit or miss chance in a humor column was taken, and this one is a miss.
The comment section, however, is most interesting. What some of you call ridiculously inappropriate behaviour seems to intrigue you, while others seem offended that any one who posts ‘boring normal pictures with their average faces’ is wasting your time.
Suggestion: Don’t indulge behaviour that you deem unhealthy, ridiculous and inappropriate (that makes YOU a Dbag!), and for the rest of you, stop hiding behind your computer to creep these ‘sluts’ on instagram and get out there and nab one face to face so you can weed out the average faces. Oh wait…you’re probably average as fuck, which is why you don’t.
OK, ignoring the presumption that “slut-shaming” is necessarily misogynistic in nature, or is even a bad thing for women - which people will hold varying standpoints on (I remember this notion from days gone by, of people being allowed to make up their minds without being lynched)…
…there is no misogyny in this article, this article is lampooning douchebaggery, pure and simple, and is amusingly unflattering to all concerned.
so true… word for word
I know someone like this!! The most self-absorbed person I have ever known.
See instagram/margo_mdm
TOTALLY a she-douche!!!! All she does is work out and post pictures of herself. And thats all she ever wants to do with life too! Just ask her!
Yep, that’s a great example. *clicks Follow*
Just realized something. That’s totally your Instagram, isn’t it? You’re her. Don’t lie to us. Ultimate she-douche move.
I completely disagree with everything. They may be posting pictures that shows a little bit of skin, but since when this is a problem when they’re inspiring other people to be healthy and do something better with their lives? You know that obesity has been killing more people in the USA than drugs, murders and etc. Stop hating and start worrying about the real problem of the US which is obesity, maybe you could actually help someone. Why can man post shirtless pictures and woman can’t? The only thing that differentiates man from woman are the levels os testosterone.
I’d rather be a fat and cool than a skinny douche. Also, men that post shirtless pictures are the male douchebags referenced several times above.
Fat and cool can’t be put on the same sentence, have you looked at a mirror lately… and can you you even see your p#@*$ when you look down there?
I can see my penis when I look down there.
Well, that conversation got awkward quickly.
das not coo, david. fat and cool can be in the same sentence.
YEah, but now you’re just a fat douche.
Couldn’t agree more! This article is spot-on in calling out narcissistic sluts!
At least this one is usually hot. Even worse are the girls that like to Instagram all the usual things, the city at sundown, their food, their dog, some stupid vacation photo, but have to include themselves and their average face in every single picture.
Glad a guy FINALLY decided to write a post about this…I’m definitely guilty of following these girls too, but women rarely speak up about this otherwise we look like ‘haters’.. Thank you for making my Tuesday! “It’s okay though, because she hashtagged #workhardplayhard. Have fun explaining that one to Saint Peter, you perverted son of a bitch.” Dying over this!
W.R.Bolen huh?….you start off addressing a very valid issue and then go off on an irresponsible tangent of generalized statements and attacks on all kinds of individuals. I myself am in great physical shape, i have been known to wear an affliction shirt or two….i also have a Masters Degree, am a successful Executive with 27 engineering certifications and myself a published author, so am i a douchebag because i go to the gym and wear affliction? If you ask me, you are the only douchebag here! I guess one of us athletic types bitch slapped your nerdy ass a few too many times in high school, so your only recourse for being such a punk is to hide behind a pen and sling this ridiculous crap.
Fuck outta here, d-bag. *makes violent jerkoff motion*
Lol, Witty.
Ha Brant wins if that’s all you have to say
I strongly disagree.
The moment a comment was made on a article about douchebaggery which encompassed all of the following concepts:
“I work out”
“I wear Affliction”
“I am an successful EXECUTIVE and everything, and that’s definitely true”
“I have a Genuine College Degree, honest”
“In conclusion, I could beat you up because I’m tougher than you”
The needle flew off the douchebagometer and through a nearby window and the commenter “Brant” became hi own most competent adversary.
I made an account just to tell you that you are the worst, Brant. As a fellow “athletic-type” I suggest you burn your Affliction shirts and petition the university who granted you your masters degree to put more emphasis on writing and grammar skills. Also, unless they give out some kind of “nice effort” certificates/badges at Devry, I have a very hard time believing you are an Executive (noted the capital ‘E’) with 27 engineering certifications.
I guess while I’m here I should also tell the author I enjoyed this article. Nice work.
Thanks for stepping up to the plate, Suzy.
If you think that making a blanket statement that all people who wear Tapout or Affliction are douchebags is a responsible journalistic approach, then you are as mis-guided as the person writing this article. While i do not disagree with the female douchebag theory, you CAN’T wave a broad pen at the world and make such ridiculous statements. It only detracts from the point you are trying to make.
I will refrain from bashing you, although you attacked me and are obviously wrong on all counts.
You’re reading a comedy site. Of course there’s going to be over-the-top blanket statements, generalizations, and irresponsible journalism. That’s why it’s funny.
Oh, man, you’re that guy. The one that would totally rattle off the middle of this comment about 5 seconds into a date, and then maybe whip out his penis to catch the irresistible urge you can surely expect to descend between the ears your Zeus’ lightningbolt of attractiveness has penetrated. Don’t let me in a room with you or my clothes will just FLY OFF with raging appreciation.
When Zeus throws a lightningbolt it is ONE word, so Suz I love ya but don’t hate on my grammar parade
You’re not a d-bag for going to the gym and wearing affliction shirts. You’re a d-bag for feeling the need brag to the internet about your body, education, and career; you’re also a d-bag for finding high school bullying to be acceptable or humorous. That, and you wear affliction shirts.
amaze. nothing more to say.
Can we get a tray full of internets over here? We have a winner.
27? There are only 2 levels of Six Sigma certification, green and black belts. Sounds like someone sold you the whole rainbow.